Wednesday, March 20, 2013

You love me! You really love me! (Thanks Sally Field)

When I am down and depressed, I feel so alone and lonely.  The stupid, evil voices in my head tell me that no one cares about me, that I am alone, that people are sick and tired of all my crap and the shit that keeps happening to me (I mean how long can you feel bad for someone, right?)

This is such a complete load of bullshit!  Because then I will get a Facebook message from someone I only met one time who remembers me and thinks about me.  A friend will start a fundraiser (just because she is awesome) and people donate $310 in under 24 hours.  What?!?!  My eye doctor will send me a card.  My plastic surgeon's office sent me flowers!  People that I haven't been that nice to for whatever reason (founded or not) send me messages.

These (sometimes) small things make me realize that the voices in my head feed me complete and utter shit.  Shut up, stupidheads.

I love you all. 

Friday, March 8, 2013

Lovenox

I still have to do Lovenox shots and I really fucking hate it.  (yes, the word "fucking" is necessary here.)  I don't hate it because it especially hurts or because it the shots are particularly bothersome.  I hate it because the whole point of these stupid shots was to keep my baby alive.  That is the only reason I was on the medication.  A lot of freaking good that did.

I am supposed to take them now to keep me alive; to prevent a blood clot in me.  I still don't want to do the stupid, fucking shots.   It's just another reminder (like I would ever forget) that the initial reason for the shots has left me.  That my baby is gone.....again...

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Round 4

It's crazy how much you forget about the days after your baby dies.  I don't remember these things until they come up again.  I find myself saying "oh yeah.  I remember when Riley died..."

The days after I leave my baby at the hospital I can smell him/her everywhere.  My hands, soaps, certain foods, my skin.  I can't eat certain things because they smell like or remind me of my baby.  Applesauce bread, red meat, salad, bacon, eggs.  Most of those aversions will stick with me forever.  I still can't eat hamburger since Riley died a year and three months ago.  I'll never buy hamburger again.

A few weeks after I have seen my baby for the last time, the smells start to fade.  I will find myself shoving my nose in his blanket, sniffing the hospital gown that I stole (because I held him on my chest in it.  He stained the whole front between my bionic breasts.  I took it knowing I'll keep that scrap of fabric forever), taking deep whiffs of the Kleenex I put between me and him to try to keep him cool so he wouldn't break down as quickly.  The smell will fade, but I will continue to search for it and for him

Riley's smell has faded from everything she touched, so I know Archer's will too.  The thought crushes me and throws me into fits of panic.

I don't want to shower and haven't since giving birth.  I did the same with Riley.  I feel like I am washing Archer off of me.  It feels like I am washing the bit of him that I have left right down the drain.  The amniotic fluid that we shared, his blood and his fluids right down the drain when I want to keep it forever.  (I am aware of how crazy this sounds.  Especially if you haven't lost a baby or had a child whose body was still in good shape because they hadn't died very long before you got to see them.  I know.  But unfortunately, some of you will understand...).

I know I am done having children.  Losing 4 is too much.  I can't do this again.  I can't give birth to and hold dead child all night again.  I can't say goodbye to and leave another baby in the hospital.  It is too much.

Knowing that I am done, hurts almost as much as Archer's death.  Never again will I be pregnant.  I will never feel a baby kick again.  I will never have another newborn.  I will never give birth again.  I won't get to feel another baby grow and move inside of me.  Although pregnancy was always rough on me, (I was sick, bitchy, and exhausted) I loved getting to feel my baby.  It was this amazing special connection with my baby.  I'll never get that again and it's crushing.

It means my son is alone.  He doesn't get the baby brother/sister that he has been told 3 times will be coming to live with us.  I didn't want him to be alone.

I would love to adopt a child.  But I find it hard to believe that anyone would give a child to a woman who is fighting an aggressive form of Stage 3 breast cancer.  "I might not be around in 3 years, but please can I have that kid you are in charge of?"  I would never chose someone who is sickly and might not be around later to take care of my baby.  Of course, I would chose the healthy couple; I would chose stability.  Not the home with a mom who is sick from chemo, radiation and multiple surgeries and unable to care for herself, much less a new kiddo.

I know this all feels very self-defeated but it feels like the truth of the moment.