Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Day 2: Identity

I have had serious identity problems since the loss of my babies and my battle with cancer.  I don't know what I am.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know what I am doing or where I am going.  I am trying to be okay with that.  I am trying to roll with it and go where I go.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Day 1: Sunrise

Ok it's a bit past sunrise, but don't worry we are always up before the sun thanks to my miracle son who wakes us in the early, early morn.  I love the morning.  It's my favorite time of day.  It's when I feel most alive, energized and at peace.  It is quiet and still outside with only the small creatures to keep one company.  It's chilly, you need a blanket until the Colorado sun can warm you up.  The tree in this picture is my baby tree.  We plant flowers under it for my kiddos.  I leave them bouquets, pinwheels, Easter eggs.  There are wind chimes and bird houses hanging from it's branches.  It is full of life and love.

Pitied by the Pitied

Recently we attended the Walk to Remember's annual event.  During this event, the names of our angel babies are read, we release balloons to honor them, and take a stroll around a big lake

This is our third time attending this event.  I remember the first time Mitchell and I attended to honor Liam.  We went alone.  I was very, very pregnant with Riley.  It rained on us the entire time.  Very few people actually walked around the lake after the name reading because it was cold and down-right miserable.

I remember reading the names printed in the program and just about losing it over the repeats of last names.....  Hall, Hall, Hall.... Schultz, Schultz, Schultz.....  Holly, Holly, Holly...   All with different first names and dates of birth/death.  My heart ached for those parents.  Coping with the death of an infant once....ok...  But 3 times?!?  I didn't understand how those women were breathing, how they could keep trying, how they kept on living with such an enormous hole in their hearts.

And now...2 years later.   Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson.  Liam, Riley, Ben and Archer.  I am the pitied one.  The one the mom's with one loss see and think "it could be worse, look at that lady."  "Thank God we only have to do this once, not four times."  "Oh those poor parents.  How are they still breathing?"

To answer your question, Fictional-Pretend-Imaginary-Lady, I don't know.

The walk was especially hard this year for reasons that are so hard to explain.  See...People that have lost babies and now have their me crazy.   They hurt my heart.  I feel bitter, sad, and oh so jealous.  I will never have a rainbow.

Yes, loss happens, but it doesn't happen to everyone.  People in the loss community will tell you that not all babies die.  It is intended to give pregnant women hope.  It's true, not all babies die, but mine do.

Parents who have lost a baby deserve to have another more so than a mom with 5 kids who has absolutely no clue whatsoever how damned lucky she is.  They deserve it more.  They deserve a happy ending.  But it hurts me more.

Today kicks off Infant Loss and Awareness Month as well as Breast Cancer Awareness Month....Ha!   I guess October is my month......

I am going to try once again to "capture my grief."  Carly Marie runs this program each October where you capture your grief in photos.  One photo each day.  Last year I started but it was just too damned hard for me.  This year I am going to attempt it again