Liam's story is not nearly as long as Riley's and that breaks me. It makes me feel guilty even though it's not my fault that his story is so short. I only got to be with Liam for 13 short weeks and he was taken from us on December 15, 2010.
Late summer or early fall of 2010 Mitchell and I decided that it was time to start working on Baby #2. Hunter was almost 2 years old, we had a house with a backyard, a stable income and we were ready. I made an appointment to have my IUD removed on September 14th, three days before My Hunter's birthday.
IUD removal went off without a hitch. I remember the nurses asking me if I was excited....Well not really. I didn't know at the time the preciousness of pregnancy and a new baby. Honestly, the thought of change scared my neurotic brain.
A little over a month after the IUD removal, I still hadn't had a period.....odd... Test, test, test. ..... We were pregnant already!!! When I went back into the doctor, we had the hardest time figuring out how far along I was supposed to be. There was no "last period" date to help us count! Whoa. Insta-Baby!
Like many mothers I didn't feel an instant connection to my little yolk sack. That's all we could see at the time. I was sick. Tired, pukey, exhausted, and scared. I didn't know at the time to appreciate my time....
I went in for my 12 month appointment a week late. We hadn't done a thing for Liam yet. We had so much time left to prepare. We had purchased a single pair of socks. Green with a little lion on them. They were gender-neutral, perfect and adorable.
I'm laying in the ultrasound room for my scan. I love the ultrasound! You get to see your cutie. The tech started and I felt my heart swell for the first time as I saw him. I could see his little head and the profile of his body. My love for him soared.
The tech mentioned the heartbeat. Whew! "Good!" I mumbled. I'd had some not-so-great thoughts fly through my head the night before. Then she tells me not to panic, but she can't find a heartbeat and switches the machine to a different function. I'm staring at the monitor watching the red and blue pulse of my heart beat pulsating through the umbilical cord, but where is heart is......nothing.
I'm sorry, she tells me. But there is no heartbeat.
Full blown panic attack. I am hysterical. I am inconsolable. I am freaking out in every meaning of the word. My body is trying to pass out. Nurses are called in as everyone tries to get water in me, cool me down, and keep me from hitting the floor.
They have to move me. The ultrasound room is right next to the waiting room and I'm sure all the patients can hear my cries of anguish and pure sorrow (this word isn't even strong enough). I am dying inside.
I have to wait 2 days to go have my D&C. A decision I greatly regret. I wish I could have seen my Liam, even his little blob of a body. I didn't want to because I knew it would be hard, but not having seen him is harder. Instead I found myself singing to and rocking his little urn.
Liam is up in the mountains now. We took his ashes up on his due date, June 23, 2010 and found a lovely spot with a field of yellow flowers. It's really quite beautiful there. As we spread his ashes a single butterfly fluttered by. A sign that change and good is coming.