Sunday, August 26, 2012

9 months

3/4 of a year.  273 days.  9 months. It's been 9 months since Riley died / was born.  9 months since I got to see her sweet face.  9 months since I held her.  9 months since I felt her weight.  9 months since I kissed her.  9 months since I said hello and goodbye.  9 months since my heart was ripped out.  9 months since my world exploded.  I can't imagine a weekend away from my first-born and I have survived 9 months without my third.

On Facebook today (my disgusting addiction), I saw a small gross of newborn pictures from a small business and had the realization that it wasn't a gut punch.  Oh, I unliked the page, but I saw the images of those random children and didn't want to rip my ovaries out.  I didn't bring me to my knees.  I didn't fall apart.

Now don't get me wrong there are days that random images of babies would kill me.  Quite literally I would almost die of grief, but most of the time.... I'm okay.

I can look at real babies about 9 months old.  Sure I'm sad, but it oddly helps to look at them and realize that that is NOT my Riley.  That might be her size, that might be her age, but I don't know because that's not her.  Those strangers don't have my baby.

Newborns are still incredibly hard.  I find myself staring at them from a distance.  The mothers look at me like I'm insane.  And I'm sure I look it lurking across the park staring at them nursing, holding, cradling their sunshine.  But I can't tear my eyes away no matter how much I try.

The point of this post is not the awful.  It's not that newborns are still a terror magnet.  My point is that.....I'm healing?  Sort of.  Do you ever really heal?   Ok, I'm scabbing?  I'm de-sensitizing?  My hole has a thin, bloody crust that can stand up to small attacks.  There are still weeks of inability to move but they aren't a constant.

In the past 9 months, I've lost dear friends but have reconnected with some who I had lost along the way, I've seen some true colors and am working to accept them, I've become okay with being publicly weak, weak, weak, vulnerable, and needy, I've tried to learn to accept and ask for help, I've been trying crazy new things I'd never, ever have done before (5Ks, support groups, parties, and kickboxing?????), I've been trying to be okay with me, for the first time in my life. 

9 months out.  And I'm trying to accept my new normal.... and still trying not to lose my mind... Things are heading up....?  At least today.

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