Thursday, August 16, 2012
I am 29 year old. My life is almost half over. I have done nothing worthwhile. I have had no career, no business, no purpose. My only accomplishment is birthing one healthy child who hates me, who I fail every day, who cries for daddy constantly and has for years. I can't keep a house remotely clean, I cant play with my child. I take him places because I can't make fun for him at home. So I say to myself its okay that you have no career or purpose, you can make your kids your purpose and try to be a mom, but I keep killing them. I have no friends, no social outlets, no coworkers. I sit upstairs because I don't know how to play with Hunter. I don't see how the next 30 years are going to be an upswing at all. Hunter is going to go to school then move on to life. I have no career to go back to. I have no experience to get a job with. I play dumb things online because I have nothing else to do. I lay up here as Hunter calls for me and hope, hope, hope he doesn't come up here and see this. Please go downstairs buddy. Don't walk in here and see me crying on the floor in a towel. Im so lonely. When you do all this shit, you lose friends. When you only had 1 or 2 to begin with... that puts me down to 0. I can't get the voices in my head to shut up and stop saying mean shit about me.
This has to go out into the universe somewhere. It started out as a text to my husband, but that's too heavy. A facebook update? Yikes. So here it goes for no one to ever see