Friday, August 9, 2013

3/6/2013 Finished 5:50am

3/6/2013  5:50am

I am holding you on my chest right now.  Right between my fake boobies (the cancer took my real ones).  I don’t know why you died.  I don’t understand why you had to die.  I love you so much.  We would have given you a good home and more love than you would have known what to do with.  You would have practically smothered in all the love we have stored up for you.  I am so very sad that I don’t get to raise you and see you grow up.  I am not the best mommie in the world, but I try to be a good mom.  I know I would have tried to do the best and be a good mommie for you.  Your big brother, Hunter was pretty excited about you.  I think he wants a baby in our house.  He would have loved you too.  Daddy is very sad.  He loves you too and is crushed not to get to watch you grow up either.

I know you are in Heaven (at least I am pretty sure...) I know you are in a beautiful place where you will NEVER hurt.  I know you are playing with Riley, Liam and your twin brother B.  What I don’t really know is how I am supposed to get there so I can see you again someday.  Daddy says I am going, but I am not very sure.

I am so happy I got to see you squiggle so many times!!  You were so good at it!!  Everytime I saw you on the ultrasound machine, you were just bopping around.   You wouldn’t hold still or lay the right way for them to see whatever it was they needed to look at.  You wouldn’t unfold your legs so they could see your boy bits either.  I love your stubbornness.

I am not sure how I am going to get through losing you.  Sweety, you were my last hope for another baby.

Your little body isn’t doing very well but I am hesitant to let you go,  I don’t want to let you go.  I want to bring you home and make you a part of our family.  But you aren’t here anymore.... you are in Bliss.

How do I memorize your smell?  I had forgotten this part.   The craziness.  They hysteria over anything you touched.  Wanting to preserve anything that may have your fluids on it.  I am considering taking this hospital gown because our fluids are on the front.  I want to cut it out and keep it.

We have decided not to let them do an autopsy.  We don’t want them cutting on you and the results won’t matter anyway because you are my last pregnancy.

added 8/9/2013

I love you little Squiggles.   Good-bye.

1 comment:

  1. Love to you. If wish that I could take a bit of your pain, a bit of your heartbreak, a bit of the heavy load that you have been given. You have been dealt a shitty, shitty hand and it's not fair. But you are strong and you are brave and you are an inspiration. I hope that knowing how you have helped others feel less alone helps take away even an ounce of your heartache.