Thursday, June 14, 2012

Rainbow Babies

I have a new obsession.  Hopefully serving a greater purpose than just to distract me from my grief (like anything could truly distract from the bloody hole that just won't heal).

Babies.  A new baby.  A rainbow baby.  I've heard a subsequent pregnancy called a healing baby.  HA!  Right.  Riley was supposed to be that healing baby.  Her successful birth was supposed to help us get over the death of Little Liam.  To heal us.  There is NO such thing.

Yet, I'm still obsessed.  We were robbed. Twice.  This journey started right after Hunter turned 2.  He is almost 4!  A two year battle of awful.  The crazy thing: we have no trouble whatsoever conceiving (knock on wood, Hail Mary, yoga pose, throw salt over shoulder).  Yet.  2 years we have been waiting.

I have a huge "to-do" list of things I have to do before trying this completely insane journey again.  I must be on some sort of drug...  I've lost my freaking mind

At this moment the 2 things that scare me the most about a subsequent pregnancy.

1.  What the hell am I doing to my son??  What is 10 months of insane, crazy, out of this world anxiety going to do to him??  How can I find zen if only for him?  Can I fake it??  And if we lose the baby.....what is THAT going to do to my reason for life??

I know that if Hunter wasn't around, we would be jumping right back onto this crazy ride. 

2.  My supports.  I will lose the little support nest that we have been building.  All my Loss Mommies.  All my sisters in this land of horror.  Gone.

I know there is no way I would be able to be nicey, nice supportive if one of them was pregnant.  So.....  Just gone.....?  THat sucks.  Who is going to hold my hand as I freak out??  Who is going to read my crazy emails?

And yet, I want this.  Like a crazy woman, I want this.   Can I just be hospitalized and monitored the whole time?  Can someone just guarantee that the odds won't hate me for a third time???  That shit happens.  Statistics hate me. 

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