Thursday, June 14, 2012

No footprint too small

This is what got me through a large, large chunk of my grief. ("got me through"?  Like it ends...?!?!)  It is what I cling to desperately with my bloody fingernails.  The death of my children would not be in vain.  I would do something in their honor.   They would affect the lives of others through me.

 I need to know that I am somewhere else because of my gut wrenching loss.  Somewhere I wouldn't have been if not for Liam and Riley.  I want to look at my life and say, "I am here, I am doing this because of them.  I know I would not be here if I had not had my babies."

It is vital that they leave a footprint.  They deserve a damned footprint!  They were too small to leave a big one, it is my job as their mother to really mash it in.  Make it a huge print.  Make someone somewhere feel it. Create a ripple effect.  DO SOMETHING!  Help some body, even if only one grief gripped Mommie.  Even if I never know about it.

I see these other loss mommies who have gone on to do big things because they lost a little baby perfection.  Corrine with her Rowan Tree Foundation, Misty with her Baby boards, Bambi with her endless advocacy, Finley's Footprints, Deb from AWG and the walk.  I feel that I have done nothing, nothing to better the lives of others in honor of my children.

I know I am doing things that I wouldn't otherwise, but such ridiculously stupid things.  I went to the Color Run.  No way in hell I would have done that before.  Playing mudd volleyball for the March of Dimes, joining playgroups, putting myself out there to be vulnerable even though someone is bound to squash me like a bug. ( excuse me while the panic sets in from this impending crush...)

I guess I'm realizing that I need people.  I spent many, many years giving people the big middle finger.  My tendency is toward isolated outcast even if that isn't my ideal life experience and no it doesn't make me particularly happy.

Riley and Liam have taught me that I need to need people (even if most of them are.....a stupid let down and some of them are just throwbacks not keepers).  This kneel-inducing experience have allowed me to accept help.  Even ask for it.  To let my heart be squishy and exposed and not give a damn. 

But is that enough??  That's freaking nothing.  They deserve so much more

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