I feel like all the air has been taken out of my sails. I know this grief thing is a cycle, I know it's an up and down roller coaster, blah, blah, blah.
What exactly am I supposed to say to my friend of a new baby? My initial reaction is pissed off, resentment, anger, and friendship annihilation. This is SO unfair. She was stupid, stupid, stupid in her birthing choices, yet her son is alive. It's bullshit.
The news of her son's arrival came a quite a crappy time which didn't help me trying to process it. I'm late. My cloudy brain is keeping me from figuring out how many days I'm late. 5ish? I had been trying to ignore it, but told myself on Monday that I could take a test Thursday if I still hadn't started. Flash to Thursday morning 5am (see, you have to wait til first morning pee....). Husband does not know I'm taking this test so I'm hiding in the bathroom, waiting those 3 minutes, trying to distract myself with my phone. It's during those 3 minutes, that I read about my friend's son's arrival. Then I get to see the negative pregnancy test and all that that conjures up. Too much to process. Crush.
I knew something had to be wonky. I can't be pregnant. The safety over the last month in this arena was pristine. But I need a miracle pregnancy. Crave it, need it, long for it, these words are not strong enough for my desire for some crazy miracle pregnancy.
What the crap is a miracle pregnancy? It happens quite often; I am NOT talking about fertility issues. I'm talking about that crazy pregnancy from pre-ejaculate (ew), the pregnancy from only 100% condom intercourse, the baby conceived from a toilet seat interaction (yes, I know that's not possible. Haha. Humor.)
Let me explain something. We don't "try" to get pregnant. As soon as we let go of the birth control reigns, BAM we are pregnant. The problem with this is my knowledge of it. So we are either actively trying to get pregnant or we are actively not. There is no in between. No "let's see what happens." No easy "hand of God" type opportunity. **To the fertility Mommies who want to punch me in the ovary, I'm sorry. I know I'm whining about something you would kill for. =( **
If I get my miracle pregnancy, it means that baby is supposed to be here. God had to have made it happen, right? So it's safer? So this one will live? So He won't take this one? See? I HAVE TO HAVE a miracle pregnancy. Have to.
But what do I say to this lady with her baby. This lady I used to consider a close, close friend, but now I can't even send her a text message. I want to run and hide. I want to push towards isolation and just slam the door.