Thursday, August 16, 2012
Life Fail
I am 29 year old. My life is almost half over. I have done nothing worthwhile. I have had no career, no business, no purpose. My only accomplishment is birthing one healthy child who hates me, who I fail every day, who cries for daddy constantly and has for years. I can't keep a house remotely clean, I cant play with my child. I take him places because I can't make fun for him at home. So I say to myself its okay that you have no career or purpose, you can make your kids your purpose and try to be a mom, but I keep killing them. I have no friends, no social outlets, no coworkers. I sit upstairs because I don't know how to play with Hunter. I don't see how the next 30 years are going to be an upswing at all. Hunter is going to go to school then move on to life. I have no career to go back to. I have no experience to get a job with. I play dumb things online because I have nothing else to do. I lay up here as Hunter calls for me and hope, hope, hope he doesn't come up here and see this. Please go downstairs buddy. Don't walk in here and see me crying on the floor in a towel. Im so lonely. When you do all this shit, you lose friends. When you only had 1 or 2 to begin with... that puts me down to 0. I can't get the voices in my head to shut up and stop saying mean shit about me.
This has to go out into the universe somewhere. It started out as a text to my husband, but that's too heavy. A facebook update? Yikes. So here it goes for no one to ever see
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ReplyDeleteI wish there were words that could comfort you and make it all right. Your life isn't half over, and there are still so many more years to have a career if that's what you want. And you are NOT killing your babies. It's not your fault now and it never was. I don't know why things like this happen. I don't know why I had to be pregnant 8 times to have 4 healthy babies.
Your life has purpose, you are important. Even though I'm all the way across the country, I do care about you. I know I'm a stranger but that doesn't mean I can't care, or feel for you.
If I could hug you through the internet, I would. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way.
Sandy
(Rosegin from Cloth Diaper Nation)
Your true friends will always be there for you. People say and do stupid shit all the time out of hurt, out of anger and out of just plain ignorance. It's true friends who realize that no one is perfect and can get past it. I'm so sorry that I ever shared things from my life that hurt you. No matter what happens I will always consider you a friend. No matter how much time passes I will always be here for you. No matter what words are exchanged I will always be willing to get over it and realize no one is perfect. I hope one day you are able to do the same for me.
ReplyDeleteYou do have purpose. I personally think you are here to help other women who experience loss to realize they are not alone, that they can reach a point of healing one anguishing step at a time and to help teach people who may not understand to be more compassionate.
Plus your a damn good knitter and so funny and sarcastic. And you love your children more than anything else, and that's step one of being a good mom.