Amy: The Bionic Woman

Plastic surgery.   Shudder....

I've always had an issue with plastic surgery.  I didn't like the idea of someone disliking their nose, breast, cheekbones, ears enough to voluntarily have themselves sliced and diced to look "better" and the way they "should" look.    I've always thought of it as a huge reflection on society and our ridiculous obsession with the current definition of beauty.  I won't go all feministy on everyone, just suffice it to say that I have never been a big cosmetic surgery fan.

But now, I have to say thank you to the throngs of people who have chosen plastic surgery over the last however many years.  Without them there would have been no one for the surgeons to practice on in order to hone their skills for my surgery  (Yes, I'm joking.  Yes, I am slightly hypocritical....oh shit is Anonymous372 going to nail me to the wall?!?!).  It is simply amazing the things plastic surgeons can do these days.  Just INSANE.

I have 6 more full days with these breasts I was born with (Ok, not born with.  That would have been an interesting labor and delivery story..... Growth hormones anyone??), the breasts God gave me, the breasts that are trying to kill me.  Fuckers.....

I met with the plastic surgeon yesterday and because I am curious and interested as all get out, I got to see all the junk that is going to be attached to me (or in me...ew) when I wake up on the 7th.  Oops, untrue statement; I didn't get to see the Alloderm, a "human tissue product."  Oh yeah (read as Kuzco from Emperor's New Groove.  For reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT4ySwoh27Q&feature=endscreen&NR=1), it's made from dead people skin.  

All of this will be in or on me as I leave the hospital as the Bionic Woman!

My expanders.  They stick these hot-water-bottle-esque things under my chest muscle and fill them half way up with saline.  Every week for about 6 weeks, I will go into the doctor and get the new girls pumped up.  The weird spot on the expander, is the port.  A magnet is used to find the port under my skin and muscle.  Then a needle is shoved in there and I get inflated.  Like so:

 

Because they will be filling me up so quickly, it is supposed to be painful.  The goal is to get me pumped up before chemo starts to minimize the risk of infection.  Usually they prescribe Valium after each pectoral pump up session...... Not sure what they will do with a preggers... These things are hard; not super squishy like a boob.  But that means......no bra.....for most of 2013.  Oh yeah!

 

My lovely surgical drains.  That long straight bit will actually be IN my body to collect fluids; it is sutured into me.  I will have two on each side.  I'll pretty much look like this:

Except she has 5.  I will only have 4.  Oh 4 and a pain med goodie bag (but more on that later).  Yes these things actually dangle from my body like gross Beethoven dog drool.  But I bought some fancy (oh and so pricey) camis that have pockets inside to hold my blood juice boxes.  Sort of like this sexy number:

Yes, this woman clearly just had surgery...... I have been told that these things suck and I will hate them with the fury of 1,000 angry cancer patients.  All 4 will be stuck in me for at least a week when I hopefully will get to lose two of them.  And now onto my favorite new bodily gadget....

The pain pump. And I hear the sound of angels singing.  This bad boy goes directly into my surgical site on each side.  I can squeeze the little medicine thing and a local anesthetic goes directly to my battered chest (yes, I said LOCAL!!!!).  That means no affect on baby each time I press that thing.  I'll still be on other pain meds, but I still love that this is a local.

6 days and counting.  'Til the "icky stuff in Mommie's booby" is out of me and in the trash where it belongs.  In 6 days, I become the Bionic Woman.