Bilateral mastectomy has been scheduled for February 7th at 7:30am and it feels like the end.
Like a countdown to.....something ending. I'm preparing like a nutcase. Making and freezing food for my family to eat, buying pillows for my recovery, trying to get my son's doctors appointments taken care of, getting him new glasses, rearranging my room for a hospital bed (maybe...?), cleaning the crap out of my house so no one else has to deal with it, stockpiling food and supplies.
I feel like I'm preparing for my death. And in a sense I am. I'm preparing for me not to be around anymore. (Don't even get me started on the risks of general anesthesia....) The fact of the matter is, I have NO idea what the next year holds for me in terms of ability to function. I am counting on being unable to do much for the rest of 2013.... that feels like an eternity. I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of this tunnel.
I know it's not the end of everything (although, it is the end of "the girls"). I know it's the beginning. But it's the beginning of something I don't want to do. Something I am terrified of. A fight I don't want any part in. It's like the beginning of delivering my sleeping baby girl. It's
something I am being forced to do. I don't want to, but it's
inevitable. And every moment sucks. It is the beginning of awful.
Though that doesn't seem really true either does it? Losing my babies has been awful. I've been living in awful. But this time I'm getting a heads up.
"Heeeey. Just so ya know. The next year or so for you is going to be shit. You're going to be sick, exhausted, and incapable of doing much. Hopefully you don't completely miss out on the birth and growth of your baby and hopefully you get to see some of your beautiful son grow another year older. Maybe you won't miss everything..."
I know I'm being pessimistic. I know some people do well on chemotherapy. I just can't imagine that a pregnant someone is going to do that awesome on chemotherapy or recovering from major surgery. See? No light at the end of my tunnel. Just dark scariness.
I can't even think about my Baby Squiggles (that babe is always wiggling away when it's time for her close up). This baby HAS to be okay because I don't think I can handle a-n-y m-o-r-e.
I just found your blog and have read a bunch of your posts. I am a fellow loss mom, I lost my son during birth due to medical negligence of the doctor and hospital. My son was perfectly healthy but I experienced a rare birth complication that the medical facility and staff were completely unprepared for. So of their complacency, my son suffered in a NICU for over a month before his little body could no longer fight. I know pain, the social isolation, and the extreme depression and hopelessness that comes with the loss of your child. I know there is nothing I can say to help you "feel better" with all you are facing, but I want you to know you I am thinking of you and sending my hopes out to the universe for strength as your life continues to unfold. I wish for beauty to rise from all you've endured and continue to endure. Hugs to you, Mommie.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of your little man. =( Thank you for your comment.
DeleteI too experienced a loss of a child, but not to death but to paranoid schizophrenia at the age of 19. Who he used to be, ended, and a new person emerged. He looks the same and still has pieces of his old personality, but the carefree, confident young man was replaced with a paranoid stranger that hears voices and will be on strong anti-psychotic meds the rest of his life to function in our society. It has been almost 9 years since he was first diagnosed. He is doing great right now. We always wait for the other shoe to drop and cringe when we see the awful news stories about senseless shootings by disturbed young men. Life has no guarantees just a lot of what ifs...I mourn the son I had and I miss him every day but I have learned to embrace my mentally ill son and I am grateful to God that he is doing so well and is still a part of my life. He will always be my little boy lost.....
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine. I'm so sorry about your son.
DeleteI am constantly praying for you, your family, your troubles, griefs and losses. Most of all I pray that you will somehow find a way to have faith in GOD. He is your heavenly father. He has blessed you with a healthy son that needs you. He has a plan for everyone, which none of us understand yet all of us need to. Yes, all things in life, on earth are not fare and do not make sense (alot of them are heart breaking). I believe that you need to come to terms with the fact that GOD gives life and also takes it away for every living being. For He is our creator. I wish that you would try to find faith in knowing that Riley, Liam and baby "B" are with GOD and someday you will also be with them for eternity, as long as you believe and have faith in Him. "Everything is possible for him that believes." Mark 9:23. I find that through your blogs you are a cry for help. There is nothing or anyone on earth who is going to solve your grief, sarrows and worries. When speaking about what you are going to do with your time in the hospital, I would highly consider trying to find a stronger faith in GOD, changing your attitude into a positive one for the sake of your son Hunter, family and your own well being. There are many, many people in this world that have gone through similar experiences such as yours but choose to look at the brighter side and who they still have to live for in this life rather than focus on self pitty. Your babies could never be in a better, more loving safe place,... Heaven. They were not meant to be here on earth. For reasons NO ONE understands. They were here as angels temporarly, to teach us something. You are one of Hunters biggest role models, it is your choice to show him a positive attitude. He is watching and picking up everything you do and react to. Try to be strong for his sake so that he learns how to look at everything in a positive light and doesn't make the choice to sit in pity through out his life. God helps those who help themselves. I understand it is hard. I have also lost children. Please, please try as hard as you can to pick yourself up through all of this. For faith and attitude are eveything.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me at all. What I chose to post at my most down and out moments are just that. My most down and out moments. Life goes on and so do I.
DeleteYou have NO CLUE that I pray to God daily. That I know my children are in Heaven. It is okay to feel sad and miss your children deeply even if they are in a perfect place. You don't know that I am aware every moment that God has given me my wonderful son to love and care for.
Just because you occasionally read a few snippets from my life (usually my most depressed), doesn't mean you know me at all.
You don't know me. So stop judging. That's Someone Else's job.
If you don't like my self pity, don't read anymore.
DeleteThis is exactly what I would have expected as a reply from you. That's great that you are using your posts as a way to let out your feelings. Oh, but I do know you. That's the thing. My family has tried to reach out to you. We have all tried to help you. I have seen you ridicule God, pregnant women and others with children. It is sickening. Honestly, I feel terrible for you. I have never judged you, not even after I have sat there and witnessed your nasty remarks and snide comments to amazing people. We all love you. You choose to constantly distance yourself from us for selfish reasoning. I know who the jugde is and hope that someday you will try to act like follower of him, because you are far from it.
ReplyDeleteWow. Maybe there is a reason I didn't feel safe with you.....
ReplyDeleteIts pretty easy to be hurtful from behind 'anonymous'. Please let me know who you are so that I can take my pity party elsewhere
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DeleteSeriously. Cowards hide behind anonymous. Grow a pair and quit being a douche.
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DeleteTo anonymous who continually feels its ok to act like God and judge Amy. STOP!!!! It is obvious that you have your own issues and for some reason feel its ok to make Amy feel bad for her feelings and managing her life the best way she knows how. Seriously STOP, enough is enough and this is the last thing Amy and her family need.
ReplyDeleteI have just started reading your blog. I saw a thread you posted in on CDN so I went back and have read your blog from the very beginning. I have just gotten to here and it is currently June. I didn't comment on earlier posts, but after seeing what "anonymous" said to you, I had to stop and apologize to you. I am a Christian. A child of God. I am very saddened by how, in the name of Christianity and using God as her reference, she blasts you for your feelings and how you have dealt with the struggles you have been through. Sad that people think being a "Christian" gives them the right to say whatever. To tell people how they should feel and who they should accept help from. To tell you that you shouldn't be angry at others. That is all part of the grieving process. I am thankful that you have been able to pour out in this blog some of your hurt, your sadness and your anger. Anonymous sure showed her true colors. She shouldn't be mad at you for not accepting her help or for any lashing out you might have done. She needs to realize that being an adult AND a Christian means that you have accept people's decisions and actions and sometimes you have to walk away knowing that maybe you aren't the person God needs to help that hurting person and instead of being angry about it and trying to make the hurting person feel bad, you just have to step back, keep your mouth shut and pray. I have been praying for you every day and I don't even know your name. I lift you up to my Heavenly Father as that sweet mommie who He must trust a lot to have given so many hard things to. I think often as I pray for you that God must think you are so strong and special. He has entrusted such hard things to you and I wonder if He gives them to you instead of someone weaker because He knows your very special heart and mind and knows He wants you to handle those things for Him. I can't wait to see you in Heaven and see all the wonderful treasures you are able to place at Jesus' feet for all of the things you are every day experiencing and handling because God has given them to you to deal with. Continue to stay strong and know that not all whom are Christians are judgmental. Please let me know if there is anything I can pray with you about. I am MommytoTheCrew on CDN.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the wonderful, lovely comment. (Sorry I am the slowest person ever to notice it....)
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