Femininity

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a female as of "or relating to, or being the sex that bears young or produces eggs" and femininity as "the quality or nature of the female sex."  (These definitions really ignore gender identity and the transgendered community as a whole.....But I digress.  I am going to try to ignore that  for right now......)

So technically according that that definition I am still a female because I have born children (living and otherwise) and may or may not have the ability to produce eggs once this whole chemo torture is done and over with.  I feel like getting hung up on the egg production thing which makes no sense.  I feel that any woman that has gone through menopause or has had their ovaries/uterus removed are just as female as a hot-to-trot, bleeding co-ed (yes, I just went there), so why doesn't the definition extend to myself??

I am not saying that I am male or identify with the male gender or being dude in general; I am a woman.  But, I don't feel feminine.  And I should, right?  Femininity is the nature of the female sex.  I sort of produce eggs (maybe......) and have had young so I a female.  Therefore, I am feminine.

 .....riiiiiiiiiiiight.....

I was never the stereotypical girl (I leave that up to my little sister).  Pink, bows, sparkles, make-up, tulle, endless products, fancy hair, princesses, heels, Barbie, glitter, nails, bleeeahhh....excuse me....I just threw up in my mouth a little bit....    Just not me.  But now I feel like every ounce of my female being is gone.

My breasts have been taken away and while my expanders are kick ass and way better than the alternative, the truth is that I have mutant breasts.  I have huge scars, weird puckering skin, blobs and general weirdness.  These things are freaky looking.  Period.  And while their function is not to boost one's attractiveness, they are no longer desirable.  I can't imagine the cringe they would receive from an unsuspecting man (I have to in part include my husband in this category although I will credit him with never, ever cringing). What I have for years considered my best physical feature is now scary looking.

I am bald.  And the longer I am bald, the less I give a shit about covering up my chrome dome.  As previously posted, I used to think my hair to be yucky (thanks for that society and modern media), but now I would be stoked to have any hair even if it just meant getting my GI Jane look back.  Being bald makes me feel like Smeagol from Lord of the Rings.  Here is a little reference for ya:

Notice I chose the nice side of Smeagol/Gollum (who knows which is which....) and I'll be damned if he doesn't have more hair than me!  

My little bits of femininity are being taken one by one.  I had to chop off my nails because I was ripping my itchy rashes to shreds at night while I was sleeping.  I have no Estrogen in my body because chemo kills that too.  I can't keep any make-up on my face (not that I wore a lot anyways) because my contacts don't like chemo so I rub my eyes all the time....hence it all comes off.  I have gained 15 lbs over the past 9 months and I feel like I look like a sausage (didn't I have hips at one point?!?!).

I feel embarrassed even sharing this because I know this shit doesn't matter.  The feminist in me wants to punch me in the face.  My make-up, nails, hair, breasts, body size don't make me a woman.  Big stupid society is the one who says a girl should look like "that".  I know my value is not in the way I look.  I know I am being shallow and vain.  And yes, I know I have to have all of this stripped away from me to save my little life.

I would just like to feel pretty, to feel girly, to feel attractive (to at least my husband).  Just for a little while.  For a day, a few hours, or even just 30 minutes