Where Are You?

One thing I have learned through all of this is that help comes from the most unexpected places.  When your life explodes, things are utterly jacked up, and you don't know how you are going to move on, it is often the person (or people) you last expected who come running to pick you up out of the dust.

A distant relative you don't actually know very well at all sends your kid fun little gifts in the mail.  A network of people you have NEVER EVEN MET send you boxes of love.  Friends who probably aren't in the financial situation to do so continually make you dinners and force you to take them.  Friend to take off work to take you to chemo, even if that means taking you 3 times in a week because it keeps being cancelled.

What I am so sad about this morning are those people who are supposed to help, but don't.  The people you want to support, care for, and love you, but they are....what?   too busy??

I have come to accept that some people in my life simply can't handle it.  They can't handle talking about my disease or my children.  Some of you can't handle it.  It makes me sad.  It hurts my heart.  Because I have to handle it all the time 24 hours a day 7 days a week and a simple hug, phone call, "hey how are you?" from some very specific people would be really nice right now.

I recently attended a butterfly release for child loss.  The names of all of the babies are read and we all release butterflies.  It is very beautiful and I love it.  My grief for the loss of Archer really hit me at this event and has been with me ever since.  I am part of this huge, awful baby grief community right in my own backyard.  I was already tapped into this network before Archer died.  And I am realizing that in my local grief community....of the people I actually know and have meet face to face....no one called me..... no one send me a card....  no one has asked to see pictures of my son...  no one sent me a pizza...  no one sent me flowers.

I am trying to look at the positives.  To see the people who came out of the periphery to help and support me.  I love and appreciate your caring support.  I am trying not to see the people right in my face who I feel have let me down.  Thank you, Unexpected Supporters.  I appreciate every little thing you have done and continue to do